22.

22 doesn't feel different.
I'm still feeling those same lonley issues I was feeling last week.
I don't really know how to change it.
I just don't know how to find my place in life, my social place I guess.
I just feel like it's useless...making and keeping new friends is just SUCKY.
It seems like here....guys don't even bother to look at me. They just more there asses right along to the closest hoodrat switching down the hall way.
This tacky ass poorly sewn in weave isn't even working for me.

Single.
Is starting to work for me.
I just dont want to settle...I've been settling all my life.
Settling never turns out well.
At least not for me.
I'm affraid that if I settle for one that I'm not sure about the same things that have happend to me before will happen again....

Sidenote: When people who smell funny walk past....it's irritating....A LOT of people around here smell funny.

I feel all jumbled up and scattered today...Lots of things on my mind but no where to put them, and nothing to do with them.

Friends are a tricky thing. Lately certain people have been giving off the impression that they only want to be my friend because I am nice, or will do them favors...or at least I seem that way. Most people see, to only want to be friends with people who they can get something out of. I'm tired of having fake friends that only come around when it's time to go out, or when they need a ride.

Tami is NEVER doing my hair again.
I have bad luck with sew ins....But I love myself with long hair. Next time (if there is a next time), I'm not going the cheap route...suck it up, pay the money and love my hair...
Oh the prices we'll pay for beauty.....
Shopping on tuesday....
Still trying to decide if I want to go home this weekend.....

Kind of Hating It.

Sooooooooo.
I'm kind of hating it here at EMU.
I don't know why I thought things would just come easy to me.
Social things....like making friends and having fun.
It's about to be my birthday, and I have no girlfriends to go out and kick it with.
All I have are guy friends, who I met off the internet.
I have no idea what to do.
I feel indequate.
Like if I introduce myself to people they will just laugh at me. So I'm kind of stuk waiting on people to talk to me....
NOT working out so much.
Cameron is great.
BUT that's beside the point.
When does it start to get fun???
WHENNNNNN?
I'm tired of feeling like a loner.
The job isn't helping very much either.
I'm scared, deathly shy....
I just had an entirely different vision of how my social life would be so great.
I know that this is the type of thing that is dendent only on ME.
I have to change it.
I have to make it better.
But how?
These are the types of things that should come with instruction manuals.
Sorority?
no...?
events....?
no...?
Should I just go to parties alone and hope that sum friendly group of females adopts me as one of their friends cuz I look lonely?
no.
How do people really make friends?
By chance?
Do they actually put a conscious effort into the whole friend making thing???
I highly doubt it....BUT you never know.

Truths

1. I am unsympathetic.
2. I am a jealous person.
3. I do not trust ANYONE.
4. I worry about EVERYTHING.
5. I lack self confidence and overcompensate for it with attitude.
6. I get irritate waaaaay too easily.
7. I nag.
8. I am RUDE.
9. I like porn.
10. I am needy.
11. I want a boyfriend.
12. I'm hard to get along with.
13. I'm good in bed.
14. I have bad luck and bad taste in men.

Sometimes when I'm talking online I realize how irritated I am. I realize how unhappy I am talking to the people I talk to. I think to myself, damn can't I do better? Am I one of those people that other people make fun of for not having an offline life? I think I am.
This weekend I actually felt like I had a life. I was out doing things all day and I was smiling and laughing. Am I really going to be able to get off this damaging quest to find a man who is what everyone else views as perfect?

Jealous Ones Still Envy

Alright. It's been a minute. I've been eating too much...as usual. I want a boyfriend. Ian is trying to inch his lil ass back in my life. And I'm feeling a little useless when it comes to him. Why do I always fall back in? WHY WHY WHY? What does he have to offer me, mentally, physically, financially? Can I keep banking on potential? I used to be embarrassed about meeting guys on the internet....but Saginaw is not the place to meet any kind of eligible bachelor. I know that I can be harsh at times....REALLY harsh. This makes me wonder why I tend to be so sensitive. I'm picky and finicky about most things. I like to think I'm telling the truth a lot more then I used to, but at the cost of what? Anwar told me that I really don't have any tact. In his case, I kind of don't. He's a good guy, but I get the "male whore" vibe from him. That makes it hard for me to let things slide. I still can't believe that officer Evans tried to get my number....I still can't believe I didn't pick up on the flirtation. Now I've noticed that none of the women in the building stand around and talk to those triffling ass men. Officer Brown reminds me of someone's drunk country ass uncle. He has a stank attitude and it seems like he thinks he's far more attractive than he truthfully is. Mrs. Johnson is truly a role model, I like the way she handles herself. I almost said I can't believe that Erica from BHBJ is pregnant. But I can. She is happy with her life and her man, and I can't hate on that like other people probably do. She's going to be a good mom, she's been through a lot and I'm sure she doesn't want her baby to have to deal with all of that. As far as Remius goes... I wish him luck but I honestly want us both to move on. This little half ass lingering relationship we have continued to have is just a waste of time. Lord please help me NOT fall for an internet pimpin dude.

I won't.

2 more weeks of work, then August is the fun month. Parents should be content and quiet, and I'll find things to do and places to go that won't cost me much $$$$$.

I hope I get my room mate letter soon. I want to know who these bitches are! And GOD forbid I get 2 young ass 18 yr olds. I don't have time to make liquor runs and deal with immature company. I'm going to do my best to spread my wings and become a social butterfly..WOW that was corny. But it's the truth. I'd like to make friends and go out and have FUN! Make memories. Well at least I know for sure that my room will be cute. At least it better be *sits back thinking of decor*..........

I like attention, but I don't like anyone calling me all the time, questioning the hell outta me about my wherebouts and plans. I like guys that care, not jealous ragers. Don't call me questioning me about what I'm going to do, where I'm going, why I didn't call you. I hate it when people call and tell me..."I called you earlier." it makes me want to say "Nigga I know. I didn't feel like talking to your dumb ass so I ignored the shit out of you and went on about my business. Any more dumb fuckin comments?" LOL. I know I'm mean and easily irritated, but at least I know. I'm working on it, and with some people it's much easier to cover it up then with others.

Contemplating finding a way to post vids on youtube.com...who knows if that will happen.

Gotta wash my hair...
PS. Love that I look like a psycho killer in the pic above.

Sunday Blues Vol 002.

Alrighty.
I'm back for the second post of the day, which is quite abnormal for me.
It's Sunday and I'm still sitting at home alone wondering what I should or could be doing.
I used to think that the internet (Myspace, Crushspot and Facebook) were full of potentials.
What a lie.
I'm tired, hungry and lonely.
I don't have anyone to be with, no one to feed me and cuddle me, or tell me that I'm pretty and I smell good.
I'm looking forward to moving away from here as if it's going to be the start of something great, but inside I wonder. Will I make the same mistakes and bade choices that I once made? Will I find myself living with 2 people I hate, and hiding in my room? Will I be hiding from a bad reputation and the evil eyes of bedroom mistakes? I'm so unsure.
Will I be struggling to put on a front and stressing about who might see me doing things I know I shouldn't be doing?
Maybe Nick's advice was correct.
Maybe I'm to available to these fools I encounter on the computer.
Maybe I am to available to everyone. I'm just so scared that the self I think I am isn't the self I should be being.
Does that even make sense?
I'm not sure it does.
Wondering, and wondering, and pondering isn't doing me much justice.
I guess it's just difficult to put it all in perspective.
Who knows what I will do and how things will turn out.
*Random note* I really want to try out my new sparkly black eye shadow.
I really have this fantasy about how things are going to be when I get to school.

topic change.
wants
sidekick lx or slide
new jeans
cute tops
new going out dress

needs
more stuff for my apt
money to pay kay jewelers and express so the stop calling me
money for school books in the fall

to address the wants...
Could I really live with the 3 pairs of jeans I have now?
I'm sure can, but I'd like one or 2 more pairs just to get me through.
Same goes for the tops.
I do need a new going out dress for when I go visit Danielle in Kalamazoo.
OH LORD how I want a new sidekick. Nothing seems that expensive when you have a job. If i find someone to go half on it with me, I'll for sure get it before the summer is over.

the needs....
as far as my apartment goes I would really like to have it seem and be more home-ish. I don't want to be embarrassed to have guests over. I want to feel comfortable and proud with my space. I'm sure I'll have plenty of anxious time to sit and think of crafts and things to spruce my room up with.
(PRAY that I get good roomates)
In my mind I think that once I get a job I'll start to pay Kay's and Express back. That's 2 months down the line tho.
I just don't have the money to do it now, and I don't have the guts to tell my parents.

*thinks about tray and the possibilities there*

We'll see.

I'm going to scavenge for food...and I'm not proof reading this...I'm just gonna hit publish.
Ps. Pray for me...I have a math class this fall.

Sunday Blues.

Well.
As usual the 4th of July weekend was a horrendous one.
I drove back and forth to Detroit 3 times. : (
I'm in a crapola mood.
I keep getting bad news.
I have a dentist appointment tomorrow.
I went WAY off my diet and I haven't been working out.
I just flat out have the blues.
I hate the single life.
My mood is swinging like a 10 yr old on a playground swing.
August 29th can't come soon enough.
I need to wash and deep condition my hair.
Monday is the start of a new week.
Back on my diet, back to being positive, back to working out.

In other news...
WHAT THE HELL?!?!?!?!?!
Tracy called me...
I have no idea where that came from.
I saw him when I was dropping Michael off, but I mean....I don't think he saw me.
I was a little confused when he texted me.
I'm confused on what I should do about the situation.
We had a strange connection, and an ever stranger past.
I just wish I could figure it all out.
I hate being single, but I hate when guys call too much.
Being single sux, but I don't want some knuckle head nigga holding me back.

More later, probably while I have conditioner on my head.

Some Like it Hot....NOT ME.

Well.
I guess it's officially summer....
I took my nails off and I can type wonderfully again. I'm ready to go back to work...I love Moe. That's all...
Splash.