10 things.

.001 I have cramps. I just took some Bayer Aspirin. I had to look at the bottle to spell ASPIRIN.

.002 I have a new cake buddy. He puts me in such a good mood, but I have to stop myself and contain my jealous ways. I can't think about where it's gonna go, just where it is now.
.003 My mother is petty. NO I didn't mean to type pretty.
.004 I love my dog.
.005 I'm extremely relieved that my period came. Point blank...WRAP IT UP>
.006 I like spending time with my dad, but he is a slow walker. I hate slow walkers.
.007 I enjoy being nice, happy, calm, and relaxed. I need to work on staying in this state of mind.
.008 I haven't cried in a while
.009 I flat out FELL DOWN today. I was embarrassed. This white lady saw me...I think she laughed....BITCH. I would of laughed at her too though.
.010 After this I'll probably go be nosey and look at this irritating girl's blog. She's so pretty, but her speech and grammar is ridiculously poor. If I was a guy looking at her, it would make her far less attractive to me.
.011 Ummm. I thought I had something to say...but I guess I really don't.
.012 Oh yea. I'm just as cute as some of these NFLr's wives, GF's and pop-off's...where the hell is my fine ass professional athlete?

*Miranda Preesley from Devil Wears Prada voice*
That's All.

Emu etc.

Alright.
So EMU is officially a GO!
Congratulate me!
Also, operation bangin' ass amazing apartment is a GO!
Signed my lease on a beautiful 3 bedroom 3 bath apartment.
Not let's just hope that I get some wonderful, amazing room mates.
I've decided to do black and white with a splash of hot pink as my color theme.
I'm so amped, juiced, jazzed, and flat out excited.

I've noticed my strange obsession with reality tv, youtube, and other people's blogs.
I love to watch and read about other people.
I wonder if there is someone out there watching and reading about me?
I doubt it.

Things with the new guy are going pretty well.
After I basically sabotaged myself earlier in the week.
We had a pretty good convo today.
I bought new stuff for my face. I couldn't remember what I used before that cleared it up.
Hopefully this does the trick.
I really have to curb my appetite. Though I think this is just a PMS symptom.
Amen for my period coming on soon.

Going to a baseball game with my dad Tuesday night. It's gonna be a long day, but I don't care.
I think its good that I'm spending time with him.
I worry about him a lot.
I'm sad that I'll have to leave BamBam here with my parents, but I know they will take good care of him.
I'm going to make a conscience effort for my social life to be great at EMU.
BUT my number ONE focus is and will always be school.

The days seem to go faster since I'm working now.
Even the weeks seem to go faster.
Which is good. I don't need those slow, uncomfortable days lagging on anymore.

That's all for now.
Maybe more later.

Quotation.Devistation

"I love your father; he is the greatest man." my mother said dreamily staring into a glass of white wine.

"It's so hard to continue and to smile when your heart just isn't in it any more. To be expected to entertain and oblige, it's just..." my father sputtered drifting off into the task of hiding his tears and taking a bite of nacho.

I notice myself looking at them much different. Staring into the open space between them and wondering how to appear as if I don't care.

Alright so....
I guess good things really do come in small packages. I'm going to leave it at that.

In other news. I want my weave...NOW. I want it. I dream about myself with it.

10 things about me.
1. I'm addicted to reality T.V.
2. Ignorance bothers me.
3. I'm over sensitive.
4.I'm picky.
5.I talk to myself while driving.
6.I pop my gum.
7.I'm not the best listener, but I try.
8.I can be a nympho.
9.I'm scared of the dark.
10.I want breast implants. Because I love breasts.

Wow...this entry has become so random. During the day I'm always thinking of things and saying, "Damn, I should blog about that." and I never do. When I finally sit down to blog...I can't remember half of that stuff.

Heavy.

Yea.

I want a boyfriend.
I'm stressed, sexually frustrated, un-easy, and all fired up.
WHY is it that EVERY male I meet has some type of enormous baggage. Pretty Face 989 has a baby on the way and thinks I'm just going to ignore it and go on like nothing is going to change. Puffy Lips is quite clearly still in love with his ex. Nosey is a liar and I will never trust him again.
Africa was a liar who had a gf, but the sex was AMAZING.
McDonald can't give me enough time AND he has a kid. Moneybags is long gone, and probably broke as hell. He was ugly in the first place.
When does it end?
This long terrible chain of unavailable and unacceptable nigga.
It's hard to imagine things getting any better. I have no trust or compassion for niggas any more. I don't enjoy talking to them and letting them get to know me. I've forgotten how to flirt, and be that coy sweetheart I used to be. I feel like I've fallen prey to too many players, pimps, and male hoes and now I have no clue how to make the right decision.
The envy and sadness in my eyes is overwhelming as I see all my ex-boyfriends and ex crushes are in relationships or damn near married. I was never an envious person....I was always a jealous person.
My wants and needs are jumbled and twisted up, some are even torn apart or ripped to shreds. When I was with Moneybags, physical attraction became very low on my scale, and cash and flash was all I thought I needed to get by. I was willing to forgive him for late nights, bad habits and slip ups just because of the things I knew he could and would do for me. In the end he let me down and helped put me in the situation I am in now. Now that the cash and flash is pretty much gone, his appeal is as well. Pretty Face 989 continues to play with my feelings. He toys with me for the fun of it I think. He won't commit, I don't think he wants to. He won't even let himself get close to me. We are close in the sense that we have a good physical relationship but mentally we are just getting by on 2 or 3 conversations a week and a few myspace and facebook messages/arguments. It's not enough for me.
McDonald and Nosey both pop in and out of my life on occasion. I'll always have a connection with both of them. Too much was invested to lose it. OH, and How could I forget about Prada Boots?? He's a case of unavailable. His high expectations far exceed his meager reality. His swagger was the only thing that carried us this far.
Warr is a puzzle I haven't quite solved. His innocent eyes, good job, and sometimes modest behavior make me feel as though I should be taking advantage. But his "Grab-Assy" behavior makes me turn my nose up in disgust and also wonder if he's putting on a front. More to come....no clue what I will do next.

On My Whatever Shit

un-edited ranting and raving.

Sometimes I really just wanna get on my "yo whatever" shit.
I just really don't give a fuck.
Niggas are always going to let me down so why even bother acting all sweet and nice??
What's the point?
Why bother hiding the attitude and being a sweetheart and a fuckin' lady?
So a dumb ass nigga can think he actually did something by getting in my pants.
What people fail to understand is that women want the dick just as much as men want the pussy.
A nigga will front and lead you on so tough. Especially the ones you meet off the internet.
They are so gassed up that they think they can just flip a switch and like you and cake you all tough, then the next day you don't even matter.
At this very moment I just feel like getting on my yo whatever shit.
That is exactly how i feel.
When a nigga asks me a question...all he gets is whatever.
Stank ass attitude, hand out, not givin a fuck about his feelings.
That's that yo whatever shit.
If I can't get it the nice way. I'm gonna take it my way.

sorry for the ignorance...but...yo...what the fuck ever.

I just want him.
I just want mine.

One man makes me smile and the next brings tears to my eyes. Another makes my jaw tighten with irritation, and then another makes me scream with pleasure yet worries me.
Indecisive isn't the word. When a man can tolerate the stank attitude does it make him the right one. Or does it make him crazy.
New Nigga kept on calling today, I screamed at him, I had an attitude and in return he puts my pictures all over his myspace and crushspot and labels them wifey to be.
Why is it that the ones that we want never want us, and the ones that want us....
we never appreciate until they are gone?

Crushes. Exes

I have no idea how to maintain a healthy and successful relationship.
Admitting it is actually way easier then living it. Sometimes I close my eyes and picture myself married with children. When I open my eyes I'm forced to laugh.
I hate the conversation and the slowness of getting to know some jack ass who will end up not mattering. I hate the way "boys" ask the same questions in the almost the same order. And they all claim they don't want a hood rat or a party whore....but hate when I say I like to just chill at home, I rarely drink, and I won't send "sexy pics" to them. Sometimes it seems like these boyish characters are offended by my intelligence and intimidated by my ways.

As exes come in and out of my life for no apparent reason other then pissing me off, I start to think of how poor of a girlfriend I have been. In the past I've been so sad that I don't have a man. Why??? The trouble and drama that a relationship brings is far to overwhelming for me. I need to be stable and satisfied in my life as it is before I can be stable and satisfied with a man. When in a relationship I want to strive to be the best. Exes are exes for a reason, right? Do people change? I mean really make changes, not just change the way they dress or wear their hair. The quality of my exes ranges from horrible jerks and drug dealers, to hard working men who would of given me the world. I can remember a reason for liking almost all of them and even loving some. While the allure of a fast paced lifestyle and extra cash to blow brought me close to a few, the fantasy of two kids and a white picket fence kept me with others. Now I'm in love with the thought of loving myself and gaining independence. I want and need to be able to provide a good life for myself before I bother with the emotional up keep of a man.

Well. Not Well?

The abundance of reality T.V., junk food, and hap-hazard text messages from random "buddies" is beginning to irritate me. Is summer always a transitional period for those of us who haven't graduated from college?
With the help of my all but sober parents I've finally decided on a major/minor and a location. Stuck on the thought that both my willingness and desire far exceed my ability, I wonder if things will really work out this time? I have come to the conclusion that I am cursed in all areas of my life other then "chillin' " . Family is a misunderstanding, romance is a mystery if not a myth, and money and/or having a large amount and no bills to pay is quite a ridiculous thought. Friendship has never been my strong suit. With the uplifting thought of finishing school and receiving a degree carrying the corners of my mouth into a smile I'm forced into a focused frenzy. With one job and the ongoing search for another I crave busy-ness.
I'm so sick of hiding my interests and being faulted for my thoughts. I was the little educated black girl who liked art and REAL music way before it was cool. Now people want to tie scarves around there necks and wear clothes that actually fit them and believe they are doing something new. I wore my mother's scarves from Paris in the third grade. I'm not a fashonista or a style icon but at least I'm true to myself. I'm happy with myself as work in progress.

That major/minor/location combo from earlier is Public Relations/Creative Writing/ @Eastern Mich. . Plans of being an editor/publisher are in the works.

Where is my Prince Charming?