22.

22 doesn't feel different.
I'm still feeling those same lonley issues I was feeling last week.
I don't really know how to change it.
I just don't know how to find my place in life, my social place I guess.
I just feel like it's useless...making and keeping new friends is just SUCKY.
It seems like here....guys don't even bother to look at me. They just more there asses right along to the closest hoodrat switching down the hall way.
This tacky ass poorly sewn in weave isn't even working for me.

Single.
Is starting to work for me.
I just dont want to settle...I've been settling all my life.
Settling never turns out well.
At least not for me.
I'm affraid that if I settle for one that I'm not sure about the same things that have happend to me before will happen again....

Sidenote: When people who smell funny walk past....it's irritating....A LOT of people around here smell funny.

I feel all jumbled up and scattered today...Lots of things on my mind but no where to put them, and nothing to do with them.

Friends are a tricky thing. Lately certain people have been giving off the impression that they only want to be my friend because I am nice, or will do them favors...or at least I seem that way. Most people see, to only want to be friends with people who they can get something out of. I'm tired of having fake friends that only come around when it's time to go out, or when they need a ride.

Tami is NEVER doing my hair again.
I have bad luck with sew ins....But I love myself with long hair. Next time (if there is a next time), I'm not going the cheap route...suck it up, pay the money and love my hair...
Oh the prices we'll pay for beauty.....
Shopping on tuesday....
Still trying to decide if I want to go home this weekend.....

Kind of Hating It.

Sooooooooo.
I'm kind of hating it here at EMU.
I don't know why I thought things would just come easy to me.
Social things....like making friends and having fun.
It's about to be my birthday, and I have no girlfriends to go out and kick it with.
All I have are guy friends, who I met off the internet.
I have no idea what to do.
I feel indequate.
Like if I introduce myself to people they will just laugh at me. So I'm kind of stuk waiting on people to talk to me....
NOT working out so much.
Cameron is great.
BUT that's beside the point.
When does it start to get fun???
WHENNNNNN?
I'm tired of feeling like a loner.
The job isn't helping very much either.
I'm scared, deathly shy....
I just had an entirely different vision of how my social life would be so great.
I know that this is the type of thing that is dendent only on ME.
I have to change it.
I have to make it better.
But how?
These are the types of things that should come with instruction manuals.
Sorority?
no...?
events....?
no...?
Should I just go to parties alone and hope that sum friendly group of females adopts me as one of their friends cuz I look lonely?
no.
How do people really make friends?
By chance?
Do they actually put a conscious effort into the whole friend making thing???
I highly doubt it....BUT you never know.

Truths

1. I am unsympathetic.
2. I am a jealous person.
3. I do not trust ANYONE.
4. I worry about EVERYTHING.
5. I lack self confidence and overcompensate for it with attitude.
6. I get irritate waaaaay too easily.
7. I nag.
8. I am RUDE.
9. I like porn.
10. I am needy.
11. I want a boyfriend.
12. I'm hard to get along with.
13. I'm good in bed.
14. I have bad luck and bad taste in men.

Sometimes when I'm talking online I realize how irritated I am. I realize how unhappy I am talking to the people I talk to. I think to myself, damn can't I do better? Am I one of those people that other people make fun of for not having an offline life? I think I am.
This weekend I actually felt like I had a life. I was out doing things all day and I was smiling and laughing. Am I really going to be able to get off this damaging quest to find a man who is what everyone else views as perfect?

Jealous Ones Still Envy

Alright. It's been a minute. I've been eating too much...as usual. I want a boyfriend. Ian is trying to inch his lil ass back in my life. And I'm feeling a little useless when it comes to him. Why do I always fall back in? WHY WHY WHY? What does he have to offer me, mentally, physically, financially? Can I keep banking on potential? I used to be embarrassed about meeting guys on the internet....but Saginaw is not the place to meet any kind of eligible bachelor. I know that I can be harsh at times....REALLY harsh. This makes me wonder why I tend to be so sensitive. I'm picky and finicky about most things. I like to think I'm telling the truth a lot more then I used to, but at the cost of what? Anwar told me that I really don't have any tact. In his case, I kind of don't. He's a good guy, but I get the "male whore" vibe from him. That makes it hard for me to let things slide. I still can't believe that officer Evans tried to get my number....I still can't believe I didn't pick up on the flirtation. Now I've noticed that none of the women in the building stand around and talk to those triffling ass men. Officer Brown reminds me of someone's drunk country ass uncle. He has a stank attitude and it seems like he thinks he's far more attractive than he truthfully is. Mrs. Johnson is truly a role model, I like the way she handles herself. I almost said I can't believe that Erica from BHBJ is pregnant. But I can. She is happy with her life and her man, and I can't hate on that like other people probably do. She's going to be a good mom, she's been through a lot and I'm sure she doesn't want her baby to have to deal with all of that. As far as Remius goes... I wish him luck but I honestly want us both to move on. This little half ass lingering relationship we have continued to have is just a waste of time. Lord please help me NOT fall for an internet pimpin dude.

I won't.

2 more weeks of work, then August is the fun month. Parents should be content and quiet, and I'll find things to do and places to go that won't cost me much $$$$$.

I hope I get my room mate letter soon. I want to know who these bitches are! And GOD forbid I get 2 young ass 18 yr olds. I don't have time to make liquor runs and deal with immature company. I'm going to do my best to spread my wings and become a social butterfly..WOW that was corny. But it's the truth. I'd like to make friends and go out and have FUN! Make memories. Well at least I know for sure that my room will be cute. At least it better be *sits back thinking of decor*..........

I like attention, but I don't like anyone calling me all the time, questioning the hell outta me about my wherebouts and plans. I like guys that care, not jealous ragers. Don't call me questioning me about what I'm going to do, where I'm going, why I didn't call you. I hate it when people call and tell me..."I called you earlier." it makes me want to say "Nigga I know. I didn't feel like talking to your dumb ass so I ignored the shit out of you and went on about my business. Any more dumb fuckin comments?" LOL. I know I'm mean and easily irritated, but at least I know. I'm working on it, and with some people it's much easier to cover it up then with others.

Contemplating finding a way to post vids on youtube.com...who knows if that will happen.

Gotta wash my hair...
PS. Love that I look like a psycho killer in the pic above.

Sunday Blues Vol 002.

Alrighty.
I'm back for the second post of the day, which is quite abnormal for me.
It's Sunday and I'm still sitting at home alone wondering what I should or could be doing.
I used to think that the internet (Myspace, Crushspot and Facebook) were full of potentials.
What a lie.
I'm tired, hungry and lonely.
I don't have anyone to be with, no one to feed me and cuddle me, or tell me that I'm pretty and I smell good.
I'm looking forward to moving away from here as if it's going to be the start of something great, but inside I wonder. Will I make the same mistakes and bade choices that I once made? Will I find myself living with 2 people I hate, and hiding in my room? Will I be hiding from a bad reputation and the evil eyes of bedroom mistakes? I'm so unsure.
Will I be struggling to put on a front and stressing about who might see me doing things I know I shouldn't be doing?
Maybe Nick's advice was correct.
Maybe I'm to available to these fools I encounter on the computer.
Maybe I am to available to everyone. I'm just so scared that the self I think I am isn't the self I should be being.
Does that even make sense?
I'm not sure it does.
Wondering, and wondering, and pondering isn't doing me much justice.
I guess it's just difficult to put it all in perspective.
Who knows what I will do and how things will turn out.
*Random note* I really want to try out my new sparkly black eye shadow.
I really have this fantasy about how things are going to be when I get to school.

topic change.
wants
sidekick lx or slide
new jeans
cute tops
new going out dress

needs
more stuff for my apt
money to pay kay jewelers and express so the stop calling me
money for school books in the fall

to address the wants...
Could I really live with the 3 pairs of jeans I have now?
I'm sure can, but I'd like one or 2 more pairs just to get me through.
Same goes for the tops.
I do need a new going out dress for when I go visit Danielle in Kalamazoo.
OH LORD how I want a new sidekick. Nothing seems that expensive when you have a job. If i find someone to go half on it with me, I'll for sure get it before the summer is over.

the needs....
as far as my apartment goes I would really like to have it seem and be more home-ish. I don't want to be embarrassed to have guests over. I want to feel comfortable and proud with my space. I'm sure I'll have plenty of anxious time to sit and think of crafts and things to spruce my room up with.
(PRAY that I get good roomates)
In my mind I think that once I get a job I'll start to pay Kay's and Express back. That's 2 months down the line tho.
I just don't have the money to do it now, and I don't have the guts to tell my parents.

*thinks about tray and the possibilities there*

We'll see.

I'm going to scavenge for food...and I'm not proof reading this...I'm just gonna hit publish.
Ps. Pray for me...I have a math class this fall.

Sunday Blues.

Well.
As usual the 4th of July weekend was a horrendous one.
I drove back and forth to Detroit 3 times. : (
I'm in a crapola mood.
I keep getting bad news.
I have a dentist appointment tomorrow.
I went WAY off my diet and I haven't been working out.
I just flat out have the blues.
I hate the single life.
My mood is swinging like a 10 yr old on a playground swing.
August 29th can't come soon enough.
I need to wash and deep condition my hair.
Monday is the start of a new week.
Back on my diet, back to being positive, back to working out.

In other news...
WHAT THE HELL?!?!?!?!?!
Tracy called me...
I have no idea where that came from.
I saw him when I was dropping Michael off, but I mean....I don't think he saw me.
I was a little confused when he texted me.
I'm confused on what I should do about the situation.
We had a strange connection, and an ever stranger past.
I just wish I could figure it all out.
I hate being single, but I hate when guys call too much.
Being single sux, but I don't want some knuckle head nigga holding me back.

More later, probably while I have conditioner on my head.

Some Like it Hot....NOT ME.

Well.
I guess it's officially summer....
I took my nails off and I can type wonderfully again. I'm ready to go back to work...I love Moe. That's all...
Splash.

10 things.

.001 I have cramps. I just took some Bayer Aspirin. I had to look at the bottle to spell ASPIRIN.

.002 I have a new cake buddy. He puts me in such a good mood, but I have to stop myself and contain my jealous ways. I can't think about where it's gonna go, just where it is now.
.003 My mother is petty. NO I didn't mean to type pretty.
.004 I love my dog.
.005 I'm extremely relieved that my period came. Point blank...WRAP IT UP>
.006 I like spending time with my dad, but he is a slow walker. I hate slow walkers.
.007 I enjoy being nice, happy, calm, and relaxed. I need to work on staying in this state of mind.
.008 I haven't cried in a while
.009 I flat out FELL DOWN today. I was embarrassed. This white lady saw me...I think she laughed....BITCH. I would of laughed at her too though.
.010 After this I'll probably go be nosey and look at this irritating girl's blog. She's so pretty, but her speech and grammar is ridiculously poor. If I was a guy looking at her, it would make her far less attractive to me.
.011 Ummm. I thought I had something to say...but I guess I really don't.
.012 Oh yea. I'm just as cute as some of these NFLr's wives, GF's and pop-off's...where the hell is my fine ass professional athlete?

*Miranda Preesley from Devil Wears Prada voice*
That's All.

Emu etc.

Alright.
So EMU is officially a GO!
Congratulate me!
Also, operation bangin' ass amazing apartment is a GO!
Signed my lease on a beautiful 3 bedroom 3 bath apartment.
Not let's just hope that I get some wonderful, amazing room mates.
I've decided to do black and white with a splash of hot pink as my color theme.
I'm so amped, juiced, jazzed, and flat out excited.

I've noticed my strange obsession with reality tv, youtube, and other people's blogs.
I love to watch and read about other people.
I wonder if there is someone out there watching and reading about me?
I doubt it.

Things with the new guy are going pretty well.
After I basically sabotaged myself earlier in the week.
We had a pretty good convo today.
I bought new stuff for my face. I couldn't remember what I used before that cleared it up.
Hopefully this does the trick.
I really have to curb my appetite. Though I think this is just a PMS symptom.
Amen for my period coming on soon.

Going to a baseball game with my dad Tuesday night. It's gonna be a long day, but I don't care.
I think its good that I'm spending time with him.
I worry about him a lot.
I'm sad that I'll have to leave BamBam here with my parents, but I know they will take good care of him.
I'm going to make a conscience effort for my social life to be great at EMU.
BUT my number ONE focus is and will always be school.

The days seem to go faster since I'm working now.
Even the weeks seem to go faster.
Which is good. I don't need those slow, uncomfortable days lagging on anymore.

That's all for now.
Maybe more later.

Quotation.Devistation

"I love your father; he is the greatest man." my mother said dreamily staring into a glass of white wine.

"It's so hard to continue and to smile when your heart just isn't in it any more. To be expected to entertain and oblige, it's just..." my father sputtered drifting off into the task of hiding his tears and taking a bite of nacho.

I notice myself looking at them much different. Staring into the open space between them and wondering how to appear as if I don't care.

Alright so....
I guess good things really do come in small packages. I'm going to leave it at that.

In other news. I want my weave...NOW. I want it. I dream about myself with it.

10 things about me.
1. I'm addicted to reality T.V.
2. Ignorance bothers me.
3. I'm over sensitive.
4.I'm picky.
5.I talk to myself while driving.
6.I pop my gum.
7.I'm not the best listener, but I try.
8.I can be a nympho.
9.I'm scared of the dark.
10.I want breast implants. Because I love breasts.

Wow...this entry has become so random. During the day I'm always thinking of things and saying, "Damn, I should blog about that." and I never do. When I finally sit down to blog...I can't remember half of that stuff.

Heavy.

Yea.

I want a boyfriend.
I'm stressed, sexually frustrated, un-easy, and all fired up.
WHY is it that EVERY male I meet has some type of enormous baggage. Pretty Face 989 has a baby on the way and thinks I'm just going to ignore it and go on like nothing is going to change. Puffy Lips is quite clearly still in love with his ex. Nosey is a liar and I will never trust him again.
Africa was a liar who had a gf, but the sex was AMAZING.
McDonald can't give me enough time AND he has a kid. Moneybags is long gone, and probably broke as hell. He was ugly in the first place.
When does it end?
This long terrible chain of unavailable and unacceptable nigga.
It's hard to imagine things getting any better. I have no trust or compassion for niggas any more. I don't enjoy talking to them and letting them get to know me. I've forgotten how to flirt, and be that coy sweetheart I used to be. I feel like I've fallen prey to too many players, pimps, and male hoes and now I have no clue how to make the right decision.
The envy and sadness in my eyes is overwhelming as I see all my ex-boyfriends and ex crushes are in relationships or damn near married. I was never an envious person....I was always a jealous person.
My wants and needs are jumbled and twisted up, some are even torn apart or ripped to shreds. When I was with Moneybags, physical attraction became very low on my scale, and cash and flash was all I thought I needed to get by. I was willing to forgive him for late nights, bad habits and slip ups just because of the things I knew he could and would do for me. In the end he let me down and helped put me in the situation I am in now. Now that the cash and flash is pretty much gone, his appeal is as well. Pretty Face 989 continues to play with my feelings. He toys with me for the fun of it I think. He won't commit, I don't think he wants to. He won't even let himself get close to me. We are close in the sense that we have a good physical relationship but mentally we are just getting by on 2 or 3 conversations a week and a few myspace and facebook messages/arguments. It's not enough for me.
McDonald and Nosey both pop in and out of my life on occasion. I'll always have a connection with both of them. Too much was invested to lose it. OH, and How could I forget about Prada Boots?? He's a case of unavailable. His high expectations far exceed his meager reality. His swagger was the only thing that carried us this far.
Warr is a puzzle I haven't quite solved. His innocent eyes, good job, and sometimes modest behavior make me feel as though I should be taking advantage. But his "Grab-Assy" behavior makes me turn my nose up in disgust and also wonder if he's putting on a front. More to come....no clue what I will do next.

On My Whatever Shit

un-edited ranting and raving.

Sometimes I really just wanna get on my "yo whatever" shit.
I just really don't give a fuck.
Niggas are always going to let me down so why even bother acting all sweet and nice??
What's the point?
Why bother hiding the attitude and being a sweetheart and a fuckin' lady?
So a dumb ass nigga can think he actually did something by getting in my pants.
What people fail to understand is that women want the dick just as much as men want the pussy.
A nigga will front and lead you on so tough. Especially the ones you meet off the internet.
They are so gassed up that they think they can just flip a switch and like you and cake you all tough, then the next day you don't even matter.
At this very moment I just feel like getting on my yo whatever shit.
That is exactly how i feel.
When a nigga asks me a question...all he gets is whatever.
Stank ass attitude, hand out, not givin a fuck about his feelings.
That's that yo whatever shit.
If I can't get it the nice way. I'm gonna take it my way.

sorry for the ignorance...but...yo...what the fuck ever.

I just want him.
I just want mine.

One man makes me smile and the next brings tears to my eyes. Another makes my jaw tighten with irritation, and then another makes me scream with pleasure yet worries me.
Indecisive isn't the word. When a man can tolerate the stank attitude does it make him the right one. Or does it make him crazy.
New Nigga kept on calling today, I screamed at him, I had an attitude and in return he puts my pictures all over his myspace and crushspot and labels them wifey to be.
Why is it that the ones that we want never want us, and the ones that want us....
we never appreciate until they are gone?

Crushes. Exes

I have no idea how to maintain a healthy and successful relationship.
Admitting it is actually way easier then living it. Sometimes I close my eyes and picture myself married with children. When I open my eyes I'm forced to laugh.
I hate the conversation and the slowness of getting to know some jack ass who will end up not mattering. I hate the way "boys" ask the same questions in the almost the same order. And they all claim they don't want a hood rat or a party whore....but hate when I say I like to just chill at home, I rarely drink, and I won't send "sexy pics" to them. Sometimes it seems like these boyish characters are offended by my intelligence and intimidated by my ways.

As exes come in and out of my life for no apparent reason other then pissing me off, I start to think of how poor of a girlfriend I have been. In the past I've been so sad that I don't have a man. Why??? The trouble and drama that a relationship brings is far to overwhelming for me. I need to be stable and satisfied in my life as it is before I can be stable and satisfied with a man. When in a relationship I want to strive to be the best. Exes are exes for a reason, right? Do people change? I mean really make changes, not just change the way they dress or wear their hair. The quality of my exes ranges from horrible jerks and drug dealers, to hard working men who would of given me the world. I can remember a reason for liking almost all of them and even loving some. While the allure of a fast paced lifestyle and extra cash to blow brought me close to a few, the fantasy of two kids and a white picket fence kept me with others. Now I'm in love with the thought of loving myself and gaining independence. I want and need to be able to provide a good life for myself before I bother with the emotional up keep of a man.

Well. Not Well?

The abundance of reality T.V., junk food, and hap-hazard text messages from random "buddies" is beginning to irritate me. Is summer always a transitional period for those of us who haven't graduated from college?
With the help of my all but sober parents I've finally decided on a major/minor and a location. Stuck on the thought that both my willingness and desire far exceed my ability, I wonder if things will really work out this time? I have come to the conclusion that I am cursed in all areas of my life other then "chillin' " . Family is a misunderstanding, romance is a mystery if not a myth, and money and/or having a large amount and no bills to pay is quite a ridiculous thought. Friendship has never been my strong suit. With the uplifting thought of finishing school and receiving a degree carrying the corners of my mouth into a smile I'm forced into a focused frenzy. With one job and the ongoing search for another I crave busy-ness.
I'm so sick of hiding my interests and being faulted for my thoughts. I was the little educated black girl who liked art and REAL music way before it was cool. Now people want to tie scarves around there necks and wear clothes that actually fit them and believe they are doing something new. I wore my mother's scarves from Paris in the third grade. I'm not a fashonista or a style icon but at least I'm true to myself. I'm happy with myself as work in progress.

That major/minor/location combo from earlier is Public Relations/Creative Writing/ @Eastern Mich. . Plans of being an editor/publisher are in the works.

Where is my Prince Charming?